whiny baby tales

Good bye my sweet sweet Daddy. I love you.

Labels: my daddy

My sister just called, twice, to tell me that it's almost time for my Dad to, well, you know.

He's not expected to make it through the night.

I can't even digest this yet.

Labels: cancer sucks ass, my daddy

It's been a nice holiday weekend so far. Super busy with work through Wednesday...but they are now licensed and officially opening for business on Monday. Zachary will start in a couple of weeks too. I'm excited. Haven't worked for anyone outside my home for 10 years, but things are coming back to me quickly. Helps that my bosses and co workers are awesome.

It's super early in the morning...the time I'd normally be getting up and ready for work. But it's my day off. I have a cold, thanks in part to Haley! But that's really not what is keeping me up. I'm still trying to absorb some news I got on Wednesday.

My Dad is very ill. I could list all his medical conditions, but they're pretty insignificant overall. His cancer is killing him. A lot quicker than we expected. He was officially diagnosed in August and at that time the cancer doctor said 6 months to a year.

Wednesday's test results said 2 weeks.

How do you wrap your mind around that fact? I was on my way to work, had switched shifts with the other receptionist so she could be off early for a concert, when my sister called. I walked into work and just bawled. Scared my poor bosses! Here it is, the first day they are licensed and not quite open for business...after we've been sitting at home waiting for work to start for the last 3 months...and I need to ask for time off. Just don't know when, yet.

That presents a few challenges too. Mike asked if he could get time off (his anniversary date is Valentine's day, so after that day he'll get 2 weeks paid vacation for sure), they basically said if he took it "before" then it would be a bad thing on his work record (very technical mess of info but that's the gist of it). If he asked for time off "after" then he'd get it and I'm pretty sure it would be paid time off. He mentioned something about funeral pay anyway. So, that's one of five people to consider. Micheal finishes his first semester of classes on December 8th. Haley doesn't get Christmas break until December 22nd. I can take a week off (I really do work for amazing people) and for Zachary, we'll have to pay his tuition to keep his spot while we're gone. All that to get all 5 of us on the same page, then there are the actual plans of GOING. Do we fly? Do we drive? When exactly do we go.

Way back in 1990 when my Grandpa Wolfrum was diagnosed with cancer I was 20 and Micheal was 2. I still lived at home but worked full time and had Micheal in daycare. On the night that my Grandpa died, Micheal and I were alone with him (Grandpa went to the Hospice house 3 days before he died) at the Hospice House as it was my Aunt Flo's birthday. My brother and his wife (if memory serves they lived in WY at the time) were in town, my sister was hugely pregnant with my niece Andrea and was in MT, unable to come. My Grandma, parents, Aunt Flo and Uncle Dick had gone out to dinner...and that is when Grandpa took his last breath. I was freaked out, to say the very least. The hospice nurses were wonderful and Grandpa was at peace as he died. Back then no one had cell phones or pagers or any way to be reached if they weren't at home...so I had to wait and wait and wait, for what was probably only 20 minutes but seemed like HOURS for the family to come back to the Hospice house for the news that Grandpa had passed. I remember being completely overwhelmed with grief and hurting so much inside. I had never been alone with a person as they died.

Today I don't remember that grief and emotion nearly as much as I am battling with thoughts rolling around my head. My Daddy is dying. Soon. My Mom will be a widow. My youngest son will never know his Papa.

Something I am going to try to find is the joy our priest talks about when a person dies. The joy we get knowing our loved ones are in Heaven, whole and free of pain and sickness. But how exactly do you find that shred of joy, and hold onto it, during the last days? How do you KNOW everything is working out according to God's plan.

My Dad has always been so strong and full of life. Hot tempered and loving. Grounding me, worse than that, coming to find me hanging out downtown at night with my friends and humiliating me!!! LOL Those memories, me being so "teenage" and stupid, him being the "bad" dad. I am going to treasure those memories! But the humiliation, having your DAD show up when you're hanging out with your friends (granted he was trying to teach me hanging out on the street corner was NOT something I wanted to be known for...it just wasn't something a nice girl did!) I remember getting so very angry at him so many times in my teen years. But mostly I remember loving him so very very much all my life. The last time I saw my dad was July 17. I was in TX visiting and he was in the hospital awaiting his hip surgery. He had a few bad days while I was there but mostly he had good ones. I left him there, with a hug and a kiss and an I love you Dad. More recently I got to talk to him on the phone. He was having a pretty good day, as much as Alzheimer's will allow, but I could still tell he couldn't quite remember. I think the thing I'll keep from that conversation the most was his "I love you too" at the end. It was hard for my Dad to say I love you, even to his own kids. He had a very rough childhood and had a very hard time showing and expressing emotion. But I know he loves me, and for the past year or two at the end of conversations or at the end of visits, he'd always tell me he loved me.

When we were there last October, when we didn't know exactly what was wrong with his back (ended up having a fracture on his spine and had extensive back surgery) but he was doped up on pain killers...which threw the Alzheimer's all out of whack...he talked of my Matthew. I can't wait for Matthew to hug and kiss my Daddy.

I'm feeling so disjointed and I know this reflects it. Bear with me while I try to wrap my mind around all this. I've been living in denial for so long, he looked ok. Sure the Alzheimer's was getting worse and worse, he stopped recognizing my Mom and sister a few weeks back. But the cancer wasn't showing any signs of this. It's hard to be 1200 miles away and wrap your mind around losing a parent.

Labels: cancer sucks ass, family news, my daddy

First, I finally started my job! I'm beat, but it's going pretty well. Tuesday is a HUGE day for work, if it doesn't go well, we are ALL out of a job. Pray for that!!

Second, after almost 16 months I finally started my period!

Labels: mama's bored

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, cutest baby EVER, photos

Little boy is SICK. Monday when I picked him up from daycare I noticed his eyes were red rimmed and red and a wee bit goopy. By bedtime I knew he was going to the doctor the next day for pink eye. Got him in and checked over and his doc said his nose was getting thick and colorful so we could either write a prescription for antibiotics for me to fill in a few days or wait and come back in a few days. I opted for the prescription. No daycare Tuesday but back on Wednesday. When I picked him up Wednesday afternoon they told me he was pulling at his ear (was just fine on Tuesday) and "warm". That night he was hot, temp just over 100. Did the Motrin/cool bath thing and no fever over night. He slept off and on, I didn't. Went ahead and sent him to daycare on Thursday knowing they'd call when his fever spiked. Sure enough, less than 2 hours later, he's at 102.7 and sleeping. At 9:30 AM. He NEVER sleeps at that time at daycare. Go pick him up and decide to fill the antibiotic as maybe he does have an ear infection. Get him home and Motrin into him...fever is over 103 at this point. Once the Motrin kicks in he's fine. Run to buy a new thermometer as the one that goes in the ear doesn't really work well for him. Got one that you scan their forehead and end on the temporal artery...just like his doctor's office!

At about 3 PM notice the fever is going up. Quickly. And he's shivering with the chills. His hands are ice cold. Wrap him in his blanket and cuddle him while he tries to sleep...no more Motrin for another 3 1/2 hours. A while later notice fever is edging closer and closer to 104+ and call the doctor's office. She's already left for the day and is out tomorrow as well...options are to continue to treat him at home, try Tylenol and a cool bath. Tylenol typically doesn't work for him, but what the heck. Give him some, as soon as it hits his tongue it's back out all over me, the chair, him and the floor. Twice. Fever is nearly 105 now and I'm past my "I can handle this" fever point. Seriously starting to worry he'll have a seizure at home. Won't be happy at all. End up calling the doc's office back and asking my options. Choose to go to after hours care place immediately.

Long story short (ha ha), little boy has Strep. Again. Didn't we just do this a few weeks ago? Pink eye is better though. Ears are clear. Fever is behaving somewhat (he got a Tylenol suppository at the after hours place, joy of all joys!) Ate some Cheerios for dinner and drank about a gallon of water and breast milk. Slept like crap last night...Mama didn't sleep at all, again. Wondering who will be next as I lay in bed listening to Haley coughing and gagging on phlegm. Lovely night. Don't want a repeat!

Baby is sleeping now. No noise for the past hour...gave him Motrin right before laying him down as he was due and was just starting to get warm. Didn't want him to wake up at 104 again. Don't like 104. At all.

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, bitch and moan, cutest baby EVER, family news, kiddos, sleep issues, want some whine with that cheese?

I love the pictures we got yesterday of Zachary in his Daddy's truck! I'm even thinking of have one printed and framed in something huge like a 16x20 size!!! If you're in my Flickr friends list, you can see the rest of the pictures here. If you're not, and want to be, comment or email me and I'll hook ya up! I think Zachary was the cutest UPS driver I saw all day! And, as an extra special bonus, when we took him into the center last night, Mike's extra cranky boss SMILED. That right there was TOTALLY worth driving to the center for :)

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, cutest baby EVER, Halloween, my daddy