whiny baby tales

Guess I better blow the dust off of here!

Things are going well, we're pretty well settled into the new house and spend our "time off" and weekends doing things like unclogging drains and reorganizing the garage. Fun stuff! I still need to do something with my office, it's a huge mess! But right now more important things are going on...like my family visiting!

Father's Day was nice, we got to see Mike's Dad for a while both days of that weekend. I'd like to plan a trip to see them next year for one of Mike's vacation weeks. Micheal turned 20 and then the next day my Mom, Sister and 2 nieces arrived. I love having my family here and the house, while at times is full, is plenty big enough for everyone. I just need a couple more pull out beds or air mattresses or something! But everyone is happy and we're all having a great visit.

Can you believe Zachary will be TWO YEARS OLD???? In 17 very short days my baby is a 2 year old. I'm working on weaning, more for me than him. He has cut down again so that is good. I keep saying by his birthday but that's not set in stone. I just don't see me going much beyond 2 years. This past week or so he has grown up so much! He's a huge train fan now too...which I LOVE, and am so grateful that my Mom let us have my Dad's trains when we were there last December. Those aren't the ones he's playing with yet, but I bet in the next 2 or 3 years he will be. He's really careful and loves to lay down and watch the wheels go round and round. We got him a trike with a long handle so we can push him or flip it upside down and he can rock on it, or take it off and he can ride by himself. I'm so not ready for him to spread his wings and fly though. He is my baby, right??? Sure don't see much of it these days.

It is currently raining a TON. I should take a picture of the lake that is/was our cement patio right outside my office. We have a LOT of landscaping and yard work to do this summer. Yikes!!!

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, breastfeeding, cutest baby EVER, family fun, family news, kiddos, mama's bored, my daddy, our blessing, rambling thoughts, updates

I'm sure I won't be able to get on here tomorrow, so it's a day early.

March 10, 2004 our sweet Matthew was born silently from this world into God's loving arms at 8:36 AM. He weighed 4 ounces and was 7 1/2 inches long and just beautiful. We miss him every moment of every day...some days are harder than others, especially watching Zachary doing things we often wonder if Matthew would have done.

Happy birthday my sweet babe. Say hello to Papa from us, too!

Labels: Heaven's tiny angel, missing Matthew, my daddy, Pikes Peak SHARE

I don't think I'll miss too much of 2007. There are a lot of sad memories from this year and I am trying really hard to not dwell on them. I miss my Dad though.

I just got off a phone interview for my Pikes Peak SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support group. I am excited about the article that is going to run in our local newspaper in a couple of weeks. If it's online I'll share here too!

Here's to 2008, a brand new year. Let's make wonderful memories the whole year long!

Labels: blogging, christmas, missing Matthew, my daddy, Pikes Peak SHARE

Good bye my sweet sweet Daddy. I love you.

Labels: my daddy

My sister just called, twice, to tell me that it's almost time for my Dad to, well, you know.

He's not expected to make it through the night.

I can't even digest this yet.

Labels: cancer sucks ass, my daddy

It's been a nice holiday weekend so far. Super busy with work through Wednesday...but they are now licensed and officially opening for business on Monday. Zachary will start in a couple of weeks too. I'm excited. Haven't worked for anyone outside my home for 10 years, but things are coming back to me quickly. Helps that my bosses and co workers are awesome.

It's super early in the morning...the time I'd normally be getting up and ready for work. But it's my day off. I have a cold, thanks in part to Haley! But that's really not what is keeping me up. I'm still trying to absorb some news I got on Wednesday.

My Dad is very ill. I could list all his medical conditions, but they're pretty insignificant overall. His cancer is killing him. A lot quicker than we expected. He was officially diagnosed in August and at that time the cancer doctor said 6 months to a year.

Wednesday's test results said 2 weeks.

How do you wrap your mind around that fact? I was on my way to work, had switched shifts with the other receptionist so she could be off early for a concert, when my sister called. I walked into work and just bawled. Scared my poor bosses! Here it is, the first day they are licensed and not quite open for business...after we've been sitting at home waiting for work to start for the last 3 months...and I need to ask for time off. Just don't know when, yet.

That presents a few challenges too. Mike asked if he could get time off (his anniversary date is Valentine's day, so after that day he'll get 2 weeks paid vacation for sure), they basically said if he took it "before" then it would be a bad thing on his work record (very technical mess of info but that's the gist of it). If he asked for time off "after" then he'd get it and I'm pretty sure it would be paid time off. He mentioned something about funeral pay anyway. So, that's one of five people to consider. Micheal finishes his first semester of classes on December 8th. Haley doesn't get Christmas break until December 22nd. I can take a week off (I really do work for amazing people) and for Zachary, we'll have to pay his tuition to keep his spot while we're gone. All that to get all 5 of us on the same page, then there are the actual plans of GOING. Do we fly? Do we drive? When exactly do we go.

Way back in 1990 when my Grandpa Wolfrum was diagnosed with cancer I was 20 and Micheal was 2. I still lived at home but worked full time and had Micheal in daycare. On the night that my Grandpa died, Micheal and I were alone with him (Grandpa went to the Hospice house 3 days before he died) at the Hospice House as it was my Aunt Flo's birthday. My brother and his wife (if memory serves they lived in WY at the time) were in town, my sister was hugely pregnant with my niece Andrea and was in MT, unable to come. My Grandma, parents, Aunt Flo and Uncle Dick had gone out to dinner...and that is when Grandpa took his last breath. I was freaked out, to say the very least. The hospice nurses were wonderful and Grandpa was at peace as he died. Back then no one had cell phones or pagers or any way to be reached if they weren't at home...so I had to wait and wait and wait, for what was probably only 20 minutes but seemed like HOURS for the family to come back to the Hospice house for the news that Grandpa had passed. I remember being completely overwhelmed with grief and hurting so much inside. I had never been alone with a person as they died.

Today I don't remember that grief and emotion nearly as much as I am battling with thoughts rolling around my head. My Daddy is dying. Soon. My Mom will be a widow. My youngest son will never know his Papa.

Something I am going to try to find is the joy our priest talks about when a person dies. The joy we get knowing our loved ones are in Heaven, whole and free of pain and sickness. But how exactly do you find that shred of joy, and hold onto it, during the last days? How do you KNOW everything is working out according to God's plan.

My Dad has always been so strong and full of life. Hot tempered and loving. Grounding me, worse than that, coming to find me hanging out downtown at night with my friends and humiliating me!!! LOL Those memories, me being so "teenage" and stupid, him being the "bad" dad. I am going to treasure those memories! But the humiliation, having your DAD show up when you're hanging out with your friends (granted he was trying to teach me hanging out on the street corner was NOT something I wanted to be known for...it just wasn't something a nice girl did!) I remember getting so very angry at him so many times in my teen years. But mostly I remember loving him so very very much all my life. The last time I saw my dad was July 17. I was in TX visiting and he was in the hospital awaiting his hip surgery. He had a few bad days while I was there but mostly he had good ones. I left him there, with a hug and a kiss and an I love you Dad. More recently I got to talk to him on the phone. He was having a pretty good day, as much as Alzheimer's will allow, but I could still tell he couldn't quite remember. I think the thing I'll keep from that conversation the most was his "I love you too" at the end. It was hard for my Dad to say I love you, even to his own kids. He had a very rough childhood and had a very hard time showing and expressing emotion. But I know he loves me, and for the past year or two at the end of conversations or at the end of visits, he'd always tell me he loved me.

When we were there last October, when we didn't know exactly what was wrong with his back (ended up having a fracture on his spine and had extensive back surgery) but he was doped up on pain killers...which threw the Alzheimer's all out of whack...he talked of my Matthew. I can't wait for Matthew to hug and kiss my Daddy.

I'm feeling so disjointed and I know this reflects it. Bear with me while I try to wrap my mind around all this. I've been living in denial for so long, he looked ok. Sure the Alzheimer's was getting worse and worse, he stopped recognizing my Mom and sister a few weeks back. But the cancer wasn't showing any signs of this. It's hard to be 1200 miles away and wrap your mind around losing a parent.

Labels: cancer sucks ass, family news, my daddy

I love the pictures we got yesterday of Zachary in his Daddy's truck! I'm even thinking of have one printed and framed in something huge like a 16x20 size!!! If you're in my Flickr friends list, you can see the rest of the pictures here. If you're not, and want to be, comment or email me and I'll hook ya up! I think Zachary was the cutest UPS driver I saw all day! And, as an extra special bonus, when we took him into the center last night, Mike's extra cranky boss SMILED. That right there was TOTALLY worth driving to the center for :)

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, cutest baby EVER, Halloween, my daddy

I am NOT a big Halloween person, never have liked getting dressed up and trekking out in the COLD and WIND that seems to come this time every year. So far no snow...so that's good. But BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. But this year...this costume I found for Zachary is right up my dork alley! Come back later (hopefully) for pictures of him with his "package" and driving his "truck". LOL

Labels: cutest baby EVER, Halloween, my daddy

Is he two already? I swear he must be. The screaming, hitting, screaming temper tantrums are TERRIBLE!!!! I miss him so much while he's at daycare during the day and yet 15 minutes after he's home I wish he was back at daycare :( That breaks my heart so much. Maybe it's because I don't see him all day and the tantrums are one on top of another. Maybe it's teething. Maybe he's sick (again). Maybe it's ME. At any rate, I miss him terribly, but I do not love the tantrums. His or mine!

Tomorrow is going to be interesting if last night was any cue. Can you see how red rimmed and tear filled his eyes are? All that was over the stupid hat.


I need to wrap a box for him to carry along with him. I recently purchased many parts to build a wonderful new computer (that I LOVE LOVE LOVE) that Micheal built for me...I can use the smallest box from there I think. I'm most excited that we're going to find Daddy tomorrow afternoon and take a picture of Zachary "driving" a UPS truck! LOL

Labels: a day in the life of a Zachy boy, bitch and moan, cutest baby EVER, Halloween, mama's bored, my daddy, something fun

What could happen to a nurse, or group of nurses/aids/whomever is involved, if it's found that a patient is being given medications that are not listed in their charts...are not ordered by their doctor...are not wanted by the family?

My Dad has been sleeping a lot. Not because he's tired or worn out from physical therapy sleeping, but dead to the world I'm on some kind of drug sleeping. Our guess, which will be proved right or wrong by the tox panel that has been ordered and should be running now, is that the night duty nurses or whomever is around, is tired of my dad "being a problem patient". Remember that he's got Alzheimer's? Well, he doesn't. He has NO CLUE where he is, and half the time he doesn't know who HE is anymore. Yesterday he was finally himself. Ate like there was a food ration going on...knew my sister, my mom and recognized that he was in a hospital. Pretty darn good, right? Today, as he was the entire week before yesterday, he's sleeping. We are pretty sure that he's been trying to get up at night, forgetting he can't do it alone, forgetting why he's in the hospital, forgetting every little detail, and the nurses are getting upset with him...and giving him a sleeping pill. Or something. We'll see once we get the results, and then we'll see who's left without a J O B for being an ass.

Labels: cancer sucks ass, family news, my daddy